Sunday, April 14, 2013

Signing Off - Molly

Dear Friends,

I have come to a decision.

It is time for me to take a pause, a break, some time off from the STILL Not Pregnant blog.

My doctor has advised (for my mental health and overall happiness) that I take a break from the blog. She believes (and I agree) that I need to walk away for awhile and take care of myself.

Writing STILL has been a tremendous blessing for me. It has not only been therapeutic, it has also it has allowed me to connect with and support so many other women and couples struggling with infertility.

The love and support that I have been shown through STILL has overwhelmed me. It has rejuvenated my belief in human kindness and the strength of the human spirit. It has restored my faith, hope and need to serve. It has softened my heart, reminded me of my many blessings and allowed me to be open and honest about my own feelings and thoughts.

I have loved sharing my journey with everyone. Shedding light onto infertility/IVF has meant so much. My voice, as well as others, has been heard. People now has a glimpse of what it is like to be in their sister, best friend, neighbor, college roommate, teammate or co-worker's shoes. I have been able to help people understand what to say or not say, how to be their friend and how to love and support them.

The comments and emails have been my favorite. Knowing that someone out there needed to read what I wrote, has felt what I felt or could understand the process, even when it doesn't work out. It has been amazing to celebrate people's success, mourn with them during their times of loss and guide them as they gingerly step through the tumultuous process. Sustaining others feelings of faith and hope has been a goal. Exposing people to the strength that I draw from the Gospel of Jesus Christ and how my beliefs have molded my perception of trials and tribulations has kept me uplifted and motivated to move forward, knowing good things will come.

And good things will come.
The Lord has a plan for me, for us.

But for now, I need a break.
A break from the daily writings.
Time off from my infertility and all the thoughts and pains that come with it.
A pause from all the things that my body is not able to do.

I need to just enjoy the space I am in.
And take care of myself, my husband, my pup...
and BE HAPPY.

So for now... I am signing off.


I will also be "unfollowing" blogs, Instagram and Facebook for a while.
I need to remove myself from the thoughts of "being behind" or feeling like "it's happening to everyone else, but not me".

I am so excited for so many people, please know that. I wish you and the rest of your journey nothing but the best, but I cannot, not right now. I have to take care of me. I need time to heal. Time to be happy.

IF...
If you want to stay in touch, please email me at stillnotpregnant@gmail.com and I am happy to share my Facebook info. Instagram (be prepared for a lot of dog and exercise pics) is mollyo11. You can also follow our family blog Reynolds Rap, but I will not be talking anything infertility/IVF until we make further decisions about trying again, using a carrier or waving the white flag.

WHEN...
we decide what we are going to do next, I will return to STILL. I will be happy to continue my journey with you, if you want to follow along.

BUT...
for now, my friends, I say, not good-bye but...

SEE YOU LATER
and...
THANK YOU
for everything.

Love,

Molly

(Jason and Penny)

I have been blessed BIG - thank you

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Foster Mama - Molly

 When you can't have your own...foster.

It's a busy week in the Reynolds Household. Jason and I are fostering 2! 8 week old Vizsla puppies for a week or so. Our job, while they find them their forever homes, is to love and care for them and to also get them spayed and micro-chipped.

They came from Kansas. The whole litter is 7 puppies, 6 girls and 1 boy. They are spread out in pairs in different foster homes here in Denver.

I have pink girl, who I call Eleanor Rigby (Ellie) and red girl, who I call Sargent Pepper (Pepper). They go well with my Penny Lane.

Red girl, Pepper, reminds me a lot of Penny. She will be hard to say good-bye to. Luckily my schedule is light this week and I can dedicate all my waking hours to these sweet girls.

Oh... and I cannot forget, my first foster, Abe, is back for a visit. His family went to Hawaii.

It's a full house at the Reynolds this week.

Lots and lots of love.

It's been good for my heart.

red girl - Pepper

Pepper

pink girl - Ellie

sister snuggling

abe (simcoe) loves the warm floors

ellie

pepper

penny is a bit jealous...wants more of my attention

puppy pile

abe snuggling the girls

abe and ellie

pepper

tiny pepper

Friday, April 5, 2013

My Boys - Molly

Happy Birthday to my sweet Jack.

Four years and I still remember every moment of that day.


jack j reynolds 4/5/2009

He would have turned 4 this year.
He would have had his daddy's eyes.
He would have been witty and smart.
He would have known how to throw a mean pitch.
He would have loved Penny.


I met with our doctors this week to clear me for "spousal activities".
 The results came back from our D&C and the doctor informed me that our little baby would have been another sweet boy.
 
Some have asked if we are going to name him.
We are undecided.
Everything is still too fresh.

Jack and Grace would have had a little brother though. 
And they would have been the best of friends.

Monday, April 1, 2013

But You Got To Have...-Molly



Faith.
Thank you George Michael.

When we lost Grace last summer, I remember Jason asking me if I was okay. He wasn't asking if I was physically or emotionally okay, but he was inquiring about my spirituality and my faith. He was worried about me. He was concerned that I was shaken and my beliefs were now compromised.

I have lost faith in many things. My body, myself, medical procedures, but I never have really lost my faith in the Lord and that He has a plan for me, for us and our eternal family.

He has one.
I know it, but I just don't know exactly what it is.
Yet.

In the book I am reading, The Survivors Club, they talk about how people who have religion in their life, people of faith, ACTUALLY LIVE LONGER.

According to a study at the University of Texas (Austin), "people who go to church regularly live around 7 years longer than people who don't."

WOW.

80% of the world's population is involved in organized religion. And it is believed that "religious attendance produces psychological, social and behavioral consequences that help you live longer."

"People with committed religious beliefs tend to have a stronger support systems and more solid relationships; they are more likely to follow teachings that reinforce a healthier lifestyle."
 
But when it comes to surviving different situations in life, does religious beliefs help?

YES.

"Faith gives you hope that no matter what you are going through, something good can come of it. It also gives you a sense of meaning and purpose that can help you overcome incredible adversity. When you believe that God loves you, that He has a plan for your life, that He will never leave you alone and that He will give you strength to handle your hardships. Faith and religion empower you with the kind of strength that nothing else can give."

MY POINT EXACTLY.

One thing I have struggled with as I have gone through my own trials and watched other suffer the similar, is HOW DO YOU LOSE YOUR FAITH? WHY WOULD YOU NOT BELIEVE? HOW COULD IT SHAKE YOU SO MUCH, THAT YOU WOULD QUESTION HIS PLAN (OR LOVE) FOR YOU?

Trials are hard. They hurt. They make you question everything around you. But letting go of your faith won't make them go away. It won't make them easier. It won't solve them or give you the happy ending you want. Something will always be missing.

Heavenly Father isn't testing you because He thinks it's fun or that you deserve it.

It took me a long time to really understand that.

I am not being tested because of things I am doing, did or haven't done.

I am not suffering because I don't pray enough, serve enough or sacrifice enough.
I am not suffering because I didn't serve a mission or go to BYU (yes, I have thought this).
I am not suffering because I broke the sabbath (it happens), missed a tithing date or didn't bear my testimony last month.

That is not how Heavenly Father works.

I understand the struggle and the hurt. I also understand that sometimes we need a "break" the religious monotony to clear our heads and regain peace. Sometimes this takes time, after all, we are only human.

But by not believing, the trials, the agony, the suffering don't get any easier. In fact, they are more confusing, consuming and down right heavy.

You're lonely.
The world is dark.
And you don't know what to do, where to go or how to feel.
Your relationships, marriage, job, physical condition and emotional state suffer as well.

My Heavenly Father has surely tested me, but He has also never left my side. And I fully believe that in the life before this one, I signed up for these tests, because it is what the Lord needed me to do. He needed me to be strong enough to give my sweet spirits their bodies so that they could return to Him and do His work. He needed me to walk tall and be a constant example of hope and faith. He needed me to start this blog to share the gospel, reach out to other people and support them through their own trials. 
He needs me to continue. To push forward. To accept, without understanding my own trials. 

And He needs me to help others understand, that they too, can survive.


Sunday, March 31, 2013

The Survivors Club - Molly

I finally dug into my new book

thanks alecia!
given to me by a good friend.
She has survived loss like I have.

It took me a while to open the book, but today, as I basked in the glorious Easter sunshine, I cracked it open and couldn't put it down.

penny soaked up some vitamin D with me after church

The book is filled with amazing stories of survival.
It also pinpoints what makes some people THRIVE during/ after a tragedy while others will SHRINK and possibly not survive.

As I am reading this book I am constantly underlining, dog-earing pages and re-reading paragraphs because there are so many potential blog posts.
There are 3 rules in the Survivors Club:
1) Everyone is a survivor
This blog has proven to me that many people fight many different types of battles. Some women have endured much more than I will ever know. While others stories wrap up a little sooner and possibly less dramatic. What I have learned during my own struggles is that EVERYONE is surviving (or trying to) something. No one is living a perfectly happy life. Sometimes bad things happen. It's how you act/react during this time that matters.

2) It's NOT All Relative
In my book, no loss is too small when it comes to trying to bring a child into this world. Whether is happens at 6 weeks, 36 weeks or doesn't even happen at all, it is still a loss. Each and every loss is different and therefore, you will act/react differently. You cannot compare war stories. No one can think you have it worse or better than someone else. When you are going through it, it consumes you. "Adversity comes in many sizes and shapes, but if it's happening in your life- if it's got your undivided attention - if the stakes matter to you, then contrasts are irrelevant."

3) You are STRONGER than you know
I am still learning this and there are times, when I don't believe that I am. But there are also times when I look at myself in the mirror and am amazed that I haven't been sent to the cuckoo nest yet. "Survival is one thing. Survival with dignity and grace is another." I try, I really try to have a greater outlook on my trials. I hold hope and faith so tight, so close that there is something greater out there to come of all this, to explain all this. There is a Japanese Proverb that says adversity makes a jewel of you. I guess I am working on my diamond.

Church was a difficult place for me to be today.
There were no egg hunts or Easter baskets.
No pretty dresses or plaid bow ties.
There were no family pictures.
There wasn't a Primary child to wave to as they sang.
Surprisingly, my emotions got the best of me today and my makeup was ruined.
Wounds are still fresh.
But.
 I am getting there.
As I sat today in church, I kept thinking about all that my Savior went through.
For me.
I am a survivor.
I am stronger than I know.
I will get through this with dignity and grace.
I will become whatever my Savior has planned for me.
 And I will be happy.