Friday, October 9, 2015

Today.....was a good day

Today was a good day indeed! 

Ok, I'll be honest. 

I was a blubbering mess today.


Today I got to see my babies.

Ashley had an appointment today and they did a 3D ultrasound.

 Our little girl

Our sweet boy

Today I got to see, really see our babies. 

These pics really made it REAL for me today. 
And it just made me so grateful.
I felt so much love.
So much warmth.
I felt surrounded by the Spirit.
And I felt the love that my Heavenly Father has for me, for us, for our family.

They are real.

This experience is truly a miracle and the greatest blessing I will ever know in my lifetime.


Ashley also confirmed that our little boy has MOVED!

The placenta has moved and the bleeding has stopped.

The power of prayer my friends - is real.

Thank you for each and every positive thought, prayer...wish. 
We are truly in the presence of angels.

21.5 weeks

 Ashley is feeling great. 
She is truly rocking it.
I am in constant awe of her attitude and her faith.
 Our babies are so lucky to be able to spend this time with her.
Time is flying.
Easy for me to say.

I finally am feeling comfortable in buying things for the babies. 
I really feel like this is our chance.
These are our babies.

I just can't wait.
I can't wait to hold them.

I can't wait to be a mom.

To top it all off - I got my first shower invitation in the mail.

A bunch of girlfriends are getting together in Utah next month to celebrate.
My lovely friends are coming in from Oregon, California, Idaho and Utah to help me celebrate this wonderful occasion.

This invitation brought more happy tears to my eyes because...


I just thought I was never going to get one.
I never thought my name would be on an invitation.
I never thought so many wonderful people would gather together to, us...them.

I am humbled.

I can't wait to celebrate. 
I can't wait to be in the presence of such wonderful women who have played such a significant role in the many phases of my life.

Today.....was a good day.

PS! Another gift at the door! More onesies.
Thank you to whoever is making time fly and making it fun!

Thursday, October 1, 2015

My Sweet Em

In case you can't read this....

Dear Mom,

I love you very much! I hope that you will be able to travel to Colorado safely and that your surgery will be successful. You are the greatest mom ever! I also hope that you will have a good time and promise me to try to have no frowny faces! If you ever get aggravated or upset, just remember you are doing an amazing thing for someone you love and it is really going to make her (and him) happy. You are an amazing girl and super selfless. You are always willing to help others. You are the example I try to follow everyday. Once again I just want you to know I love you very much and I hope the best for you!

Love (heart), Emery

 I don't know about you, but every time I read this I tear up. My niece is 10 years old (9 when she wrote this). She gave it to Ashley when she was traveling out her for a polypectomy (pre-transfer) in March.  My heart just wants to burst with pride - AND I AM ONLY HER AUNT! I can't take ANY credit for this girl/woman/person she is turning out to be.

I am so excited to be bringing up a girl that will have not only a role model in their aunt, but also their cousin. I so look forward to watching Emery mother these babies. I know they will admire her, respect her, love her and look to her example as they grow.

How lucky are we?

I only hope I can do half of the job Ashley and Rob have done with their kids. They continue to amaze and inspire me everyday. I am overwhelming grateful for this opportunity. I hope my sweet niece will remember this experience and draw from it as she goes throughout life.

I love you my sweet Em.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Jelly Belly

Our fertility journey started way back in 2011. Within that year we attempted 5 IUI's (artificial insemination) only to result in negative results.

Little did I know that my fertility journey would start there, then....with Clomid. I didn't have too bad of a response to Clomid, in comparison to others. My face felt like it was constantly melting, but I didn't experience the emotional roller-coaster some women do.

Now IVF was another story.

The hot flashes. The swelling. Weight gain. Bruising from the shots. The emotions. The tenderness (of body parts and emotions). The oversized ovaries. The puffiness. Pudginess.

The UGH.

By 2012, my body was not my own. Not anymore. I was now a pin cushion. A foundation of progesterone and estrogen.

But it was all worth it.

Then when we lost Grace....something snapped. And I became determined to get my body back.

We all know that feeling.

The feeling of WANTING TO BE IN CONTROL AGAIN. Or to feel like yourself again. To get back to where we were, who we were and into the jeans from 10 years ago.

We punish ourselves. Diet. Exercise. Diet. Diet. Diet. More exercise.

I'm guilty of it.

I just didn't have a small bundle of joy to remind me of WHY I went through it all to begin with.

Then we did IVF again.

And it didn't work again.

And I was back on the path of regaining myself, my body, my sanity and my mind.

Then I stood still.

 Since our last miscarriage I have been overly determined to be better than I was before.

Toner (is that a word)?

And I know some people thought I was had completely lost it.

I was strict.
Too strict sometimes.
I was picky.
I was scrutinizing labels and brands.
I was cutting things out left and right.

And it was slowly working.

It was something I could control, so I did.
With all my might.

But it still left me with the wanting, this desire, this longing....for a belly.

A big, round belly with a baby inside of it.

I think it is beautiful.
I think it is fascinating.

It's a total miracle.

And I wish women would enjoy it more.
I wish they would see the gift of that belly and the badge of honor it represents.

Because there is always time to get back to yourself, your body and those skinny jeans.
There is always time to get stronger, faster, fitter, tighter, toner.

But for at least one got to experience true beauty.
And then you get to live with that beauty for the rest of your life.

And not everyone gets that.


I have given up on the notion that I HAVE TO BE PREGNANT to enjoy pregnancy.
I am perfectly happy with how things have worked out.
Clearly, my body just doesn't work - and that's okay.
But I still look at bellies and wish.
Small pangs of jealousy.
Some curiosity.
A lot of wonder.

So what's a girl to do?

Get stronger. Faster. Fitter. Tighter. Toner.


Because it is all I can do.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Week 19

They still haven't missed a week.

These little weekly surprises really help pass the time.
19 weeks.

That's like half way.


Sunday, September 20, 2015


I apologize for not writing more.

There have been some recent updates with our little muffins that I have debated sharing for a few reasons.

One, I am trying to keep myself from freaking out. I am really holding tight to my faith and trying to not let my fears get the best of me.

Second, out of respect for Ashley and all that she is already going through, I didn't want to add to the pressure.

Last, I just wasn't sure if I wanted to share. Shocking for me, I know, I share pretty much everything.

So here we go....

Around 17 weeks Ashley noticed some consistent bleeding.
After a trip to the doctor's office, she was diagnosed with Placenta Previa.

Basically, the placenta of our little boy is sitting very low (over the cervix) and so there is a constant little bleed happening.

I want to point out - that this is normal. Almost could be expected.


She is over 35.
It is her 4th pregnancy.
It is a twin pregnancy.
It was through IVF. 

So what happens now?

We wait.

We pray.

We hope that within this trimester our little boy moves around and shifts his placenta away from the cervix.

Can this pregnancy continue and be healthy even if it doesn't move?


Where the risk lies is within the 3rd trimester.
If it doesn't move, then we are most likely dealing with a C-section delivery.
No big deal (easy for me to say).
But we are also dealing with the chance that the babies could come earlier than we want or hope.

I have always known that with a twin pregnancy an earlier birth and time in the NICU coupld be pretty much expected, but I have hoped that we go the distance.
That Ashley's super powers take us 38 weeks plus. 
A swift vaginal delivery and everyone goes home quickly.

I am so grateful for Ashley's positive demeanor. Her faithful outlook.
Her strength.

I am also grateful for a diagnosis.
At least we know WHY she is have some bleeding.
At least we know that things CAN change.
And I am glad that we know now - early on vs. later in the pregnancy.

But it still tears me up.
It still brings back lots of emotions and memories of pregnancies past.
I hate that Ashley is having to deal with this and that I can't help in any way.
And I hope and pray that she knows how much I trust her and this process.
I know the Lord prepared her for this.
I know He has prepared us for this.

Whatever the outcome, it is part of His plan.  

So WHY did I decide to share?

Because all of you have been such an intricate and important part of this process as well.

Every prayer, hope and wish for these babies has been heard. 
And now we need them more than ever.

We need this baby boy to move around.
We need the bleeding to stop.

So if you have a little bit of extra time, say a small one for us,
and for Ashley.

18.5 weeks and rocking the twin bump.

I think she looks fabulous.

She's my hero.