Sunday, November 29, 2015


This post has been on my mind a lot the past few weeks. Mostly because as I reflect on the last 7 years and the last 7 months, I recognize that this was Heavenly Father's plan all along. This was the great, grand scheme. All of our trials, obstacles, struggles led us to Ashley, these babies and our eternal family.

This plan though did not easily fall into place. 
It took a gigantic leap of faith. 
More than one actually.

And with each leap, with each turn in the road we were constantly met with struggle and obstacles.
Those were usually followed by tears.
Many tears.
And then many questions.
Questions that raised doubt, tested faith and presented a lot of fear.

Fear of more hurt, pain and another dead end.

That's what made it easy to stand still.
Because when you stand still, you can't get hurt.
You won't be disappointed.
Nothing will change.

But after awhile, you realize that nothing has changed.
The hurt is still there.
The pain is still evident.
And you are right back where you started.

Wondering what to do next. 

There's a Chinese Proverb that reads, 
"Be not afraid of growing slowly. Be only afraid of standing still."

I remember feeling this way when we first realized we needed to see a specialist.
When we realized that "trying" was not enough.
We had racked up 3 miscarriages and had no explanation to why they kept happening. 
And the months were passing us by. 
But we continued to leap forward.
I remember feeling this way after the 5 IUI's didn't work.
What now?
IVF seemed so medical. So extreme.
So expensive.
But we took the leap forward.

I remember feeling this way after we lost Grace.
Again, no explanation.
Do we try again? Do we take another route?
So many options, yet nothing seemed to be the "right one". 
But we still took the leap forward.

I remember feeling this way after miscarriage #5.
This time was different though, at least we knew I was no longer going to be part of the equation.
But what to do with the remaining 2 embryos?
Adopt? Look for a carrier? Or just be done?
Nothing felt right?
Nothing felt wrong either?

So we just stood still.

I won't lie.
Taking a break was the best decision Jason and I made.
We needed to stop thinking about it all the time.
I needed a break.
My body needed a break.

But now, we were stuck.
Eventually we would have to make a decision.
We would have to leap forward.
But we got cozy.
And the thought of bearing more hurt and pain just didn't seem worth it.

And then one day, the smoke cleared.
Making the decision didn't seem so hard anymore.
It didn't seem so scary.

Not making a decision was now the scary part.
Standing still seemed more painful than leaping forward.

So we took the leap.
Without any promise of a positive outcome.
Wide open to all the hurt and pain the world has to offer.
With the dream of being parents on the line.

We leaped.

 Each week that passes is another leap forward.
There are still no guarantees.
We followed the promptings of the Spirit and slowly Heavenly Father's plan has opened up to us.

Regardless of what ultimately happens, good or bad, I wouldn't change a thing.
I have learned an incredible lesson in faith, love and sacrifice.
I have felt the Hand of God on my back, guiding me over each and every hurdle.
I have seen Him bless and take care of Ashley and my babies.
I have witnessed the power of prayer.

All because we leaped.

Whatever your situation, don't be afraid to leap.

I fully believe in the power of standing still.
But then you need to leap.
Things need to change.
You need to trust in the plan that Heavenly Father has for you.
Pain is inevitable.
And I can't promise the outcome will always be the one you desire.
But things can't change, unless you do.




Yep, We Are Nesting

Jason and I spent majority of our Thanksgiving holiday prepping the house for the babes. We did take time to enjoy a fabulous dinner with some friends, but most of our days (and nights) were devoted to the many IKEA boxes that were crowding our guestroom.

We live in only 1600sq feet. So logistically, two of everything, is tight. A lot of shifting of things had to take place. Our sweet Penny was NOT particularly excited, but she is slowly adapting to all of the new stuff.

We even got all of the Christmas stuff up! Moved Jason's office and got the "infant area" ready downstairs. We just need to find the right glider/recliner and bust out the pack and play. We are hoping that having a space upstairs and down will make it just a bit easier with two. We finally feel like we are using every space in the house. We lost the "guestroom", but we never had too many visitors anyways. (Thank goodness for a blow-up bed.)

 love my Uppababy

 tight quarters but lots of storage

not so merry Penny 

infant area, used to be Jason's old office space
 Jason is very happy to have his own space and a door that will close!

A huge weight has been lifted because at least now everything is CLEAN, TIDY and in it's place. Now the fun part of decorating gets to happen. My mom has been busy making a second set of bedding. The stroller and car seats are out of the boxes and we have been practicing with all the buttons etc.


We are going to have babies!

Real babies!

Our babies!

We spent the early morning hours chatting about what we were excited for. Thoughts were:

-what they will look like
-how Penny will be with them
-how they will grow up with Penny and be best buds
-lazy Saturday mornings tag teaming a workout and then maybe brunch
-their crazy Japanese hair (I hope they have it)
-family vacations
-cousin time
-holding them
-smelling them
-teaching them 
-singing to them
-telling them their amazing birth story 
-living a new life, as a family

We know life will change. We know things will be different. We will have to be different. And we are ready for that. We have worked so hard just to get them here. There have been many sacrifices made by many people.

You know how we were going to spend Thanksgiving? Going to Thailand on a big 2 week adventure. We had it booked. We were all set. One more BIG trip before.....babies.

But after our trip to SC to visit them, we both had a deep impression to cancel the trip. Save the money. Get the house ready.

So we did.

Maybe we were nesting. Maybe we are just ready for this change.  We have had so many wonderful adventures together, but I know nothing will compare to this.

This is our ultimate adventure.

I just can't wait.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Showered with Love

Last weekend my girlfriends from my days past all gathered together in Utah to throw me a beautiful baby shower.

My heart was so full as I got to reconnect with an absolute band of gorgeous, smart, fierce, determined, intelligent, funny and headstrong women.

We all met at some time in the early 2000's at the Stanford Young Single Adult Ward in Palo Alto, CA. For those non-Mormons out there, this a gathering of single adults ages 22-35 that all attend church together. Even though we were divided by age groups, we all still managed to cross each others paths over the years. Majority of us were roommates at some point, in some combination. But we all have been there for each other through the best of times, the worst of times and all the times in between.

Whether it was crying over a stupid boy into a bowl of Funfetti cake batter or celebrating a new job or successful date, we were there for each other. We took trips together. And slowly one by one, we all moved on in some way to some place for some reason.

Best years of my life.

I have always felt that those years made me who I am. But they also saved me from who I was almost going to be. And what has emerged - is a ME that I am proud of. A faithful daughter of my Heavenly Father, a strong women inside and out, and a hopeful person.

How lucky I felt to have so many travel near and far to celebrate this momentous occasion in my life. I was extremely humbled that they took the time to not only plan my shower, but that they took time away from their jobs, family, social lives to attend. 

It was such a joyous day.

Sadly I didn't take any pics myself.

Luckily, they did.

I don't think I will ever be able to fully express what it really meant to me to have these ladies shower me with love.

I never thought I would have a baby shower.
And as happy as I was that day, I did feel a shred of sadness.

Sad that my infertility made me put distance in some of these relationships.
Sad that I missed out on many of their momentous occasions because I was too sad or hurt to really celebrate them.

Sad that I let my own trials and struggles have so much control over my feelings and emotions. I wished I could have been better than that. I should have been stronger than that.

I feel that I have missed so much.
I don't want to miss any more.

So I hope that this one day is just the beginning.

The beginning of new chapters for all of us. Chapters I want to be present in and will be present in no matter what happens.

Because I know these women would do the same for me. They have done that already.

I have never felt more loved and supported as I did in that room on that day.

My heart is truly full.

Thank you my dear wonderful friends.

Thursday, October 29, 2015


24 weeks!
24 weeks!

HOLY COW we are 24 weeks!

This past week I have had a surge of confidence.
A washing over of faith.
A renewed belief that...


I am completely in awe of Ashley.
First, how good she looks.
Second, how she just embraces this experience, runs with it and maintains a positive attitude all at the same time.

Last,  I just appreciate this experience WE get to have together.
Our families.
The kids.
These babies.
The love....

I am so happy that she is completely supported by everyone around her.
A few ladies from church said it best, "We have just never seen such a gift of love."

It is truly a gift of...


I feel like my heart could burst at any second.
All the time.

Such love.

We got to visit our babies last week.

We crammed so much into a handful of days, but it was truly the BEST TRIP EVER.

Let me just tell you about ALL the fun we had.

First, we surprised my niece with killer seats to the Taylor Swift show.
It was so much fun watching her sing and dance.
 Absolutely worth every penny. 

We followed up the concert with some serious shopping!
Ashley let me spoil her a bit (which I love to do)!
And in return she bought the babies their going home outfits!

I am finally enjoying shopping for these babes!

Then we got to go to an ultrasound appointment!
Babies we not cooperating for any 3D viewing, but they were extremely active.

I was so nervous going to the appointment.
She is doing so well and I haven't been there, I felt that by going to the appointment I would jinx her.

My heart was pounding as the ultrasound started. 
I have become pretty savvy at reading ultrasounds (I have had a lot) and I know what to look for.

The flutter.

I was so afraid it wouldn't be there.

But once again, faith not fear.
Ashley's got this.

We spent the afternoon at the South Carolina State Fair.
An experience all on its own.
( I won't even tell you what we ate!)

We got to see my youngest nephew's soccer skills.

We hit up the local trampoline park (no pics because I was too busy jumping and peeing my pants)!

The pumpkin patch was next followed by a night of carving and caramel apple making!

The grand finale was seeing the kids perform in the Primary Program at church followed by a low country boil.

It was a busy few days....but so much fun.

T-shirts were a gift from the babies! To be worn on delivery day!

I love visiting with Jason's family.
I love spending time with my niece and nephews.

But every time we have visited, I always leave with a sadness deep in my heart.
An emptiness.
A longing.

For a family of my own.

For the crazy moments.
The hustle and bustle.
The rush and frustration (and sometimes fighting).

The hugs.
The kisses.
The memories.

The love. 

Rob and Ashley are amazing parents.
I watch them (probably more than they realize) in awe.
I have watched them over the years and they blow me away with their consistency to maintain boundaries and rules, their focus on obedience and manners, but yet the love and joy that is always in their home.

I crave this.
I have craved this ever since I became a part of this family.

And is finally happening.

From this amazing gift of love and sacrifice.......


A family of my own.


Tuesday, October 13, 2015

I am ONE in FOUR

 October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

I debated writing this post, but my past has made me who I am.
It has shaped the mother I will be.
It has forever changed how I, how we, will be parents.

We lost Jack in April of 2009.

Losing Jack changed me. 
I lost a part of my heart, and although I have since healed and grown stronger, I will never be able to erase that day from my memory. 
I will forever remember how it felt, how he looked, and how I was so unaware that anything was happening at all.

Things like this didn't happen to me.
They couldn't happen to me.

I am ONE in FOUR.

Losing Baby #2 made me an official pro.
I didn't need pain medication.
I didn't go to the hospital.
We were in Chicago visiting friends.
We are so excited to share our newly pregnant news with them. 
It was the day after we shared it that things went downhill.
And I walked my little 10 week old baby to Northwest Medical because I didn't want to flush it.
I walked him/her in a paper cup because that was all that was in the hotel room.

I am ONE in FOUR.

It took a while to get pregnant after that, but we did.
It was the first appointment, the first ultrasound that now officially sealed my fate.
Empty sac.
Just floating there on the screen.
And it took a full month for me to pass it.
During that time we attended a wedding, visited friends with new babies and cried. 
A lot.

I am ONE in FOUR.

Another year of trying.

Then we got into the IUI business.
5 of them.
No success.

So in 2012 we took a leap of faith into IVF.

We retrieved 15 eggs.
11 fertilized.
7 grew to Day 5.
5 were genetically perfect.
We transferred 2.

2 girls.

We were elated to find out 1 took.

We named her Grace because it was this pregnancy that truly taught me what the Grace of God feels like.
To be in so much pain, and yet feel so much peace.
And even though I pleaded with the Lord to just let me have this baby, I knew she wasn't mine to keep.
I had her in my bathroom.
All alone.
She came out perfect.
And I tore open the sac so I could hold her in my hand.
I stroked her back, arms and legs.
 And I told her I was so sorry I couldn't keep her.

Our sweet Grace.
She touched so many lives.
I still feel her, see her, hear her.
Every time my wind chimes blow, she surrounds me.

 I am ONE in FOUR.

And last, our sweet boy.
It was the appointment to start me on blood thinners. 
Just a quick ultrasound to check on him.

Even though my numbers from my blood draw were good, I felt very uneasy going into the appointment.

It wasn't long into the ultrasound that I knew....he was gone.

I am ONE in FOUR.

Now, here we are.
Our two little miracles being carried my strong and faithful sister-in-law.
Heavenly Father truly has a plan for us.
All of us.

I will always be ONE in FOUR.
But because of that, I will be more loving, kind, patient, compassionate, giving, strong, determined, hard-working, faithful, diligent, charitable....

Because I am ONE in FOUR...
I will be a better mother.


I am ONE in FOUR.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Today.....was a good day

Today was a good day indeed! 

Ok, I'll be honest. 

I was a blubbering mess today.


Today I got to see my babies.

Ashley had an appointment today and they did a 3D ultrasound.

 Our little girl

Our sweet boy

Today I got to see, really see our babies. 

These pics really made it REAL for me today. 
And it just made me so grateful.
I felt so much love.
So much warmth.
I felt surrounded by the Spirit.
And I felt the love that my Heavenly Father has for me, for us, for our family.

They are real.

This experience is truly a miracle and the greatest blessing I will ever know in my lifetime.


Ashley also confirmed that our little boy has MOVED!

The placenta has moved and the bleeding has stopped.

The power of prayer my friends - is real.

Thank you for each and every positive thought, prayer...wish. 
We are truly in the presence of angels.

21.5 weeks

 Ashley is feeling great. 
She is truly rocking it.
I am in constant awe of her attitude and her faith.
 Our babies are so lucky to be able to spend this time with her.
Time is flying.
Easy for me to say.

I finally am feeling comfortable in buying things for the babies. 
I really feel like this is our chance.
These are our babies.

I just can't wait.
I can't wait to hold them.

I can't wait to be a mom.

To top it all off - I got my first shower invitation in the mail.

A bunch of girlfriends are getting together in Utah next month to celebrate.
My lovely friends are coming in from Oregon, California, Idaho and Utah to help me celebrate this wonderful occasion.

This invitation brought more happy tears to my eyes because...


I just thought I was never going to get one.
I never thought my name would be on an invitation.
I never thought so many wonderful people would gather together to, us...them.

I am humbled.

I can't wait to celebrate. 
I can't wait to be in the presence of such wonderful women who have played such a significant role in the many phases of my life.

Today.....was a good day.

PS! Another gift at the door! More onesies.
Thank you to whoever is making time fly and making it fun!